


Inherently Repeatable Data

by sans_souci2



Category: Lethal Weapon (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-15 22:42:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9261197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sans_souci2/pseuds/sans_souci2
Summary: After 1.10 Riggs comes to Cahill's office which is in and of itself earthshaking.He shares what happened the night before and she helps him understand a little bit of it.Baby steps.





	

“Hey, you got a minute?”

_Riggs?_

He’s in her doorway and it’s not his appointed day to evade and avoid.

“Sure, come on in. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. I just ah… I just wanted to follow up on what we talked about. Last night.”

Alarms go off in her head-loud ones that make it impossible to take a decent breath so she answers uncertainly,  “Sure. Have a seat.”

“Thanks.”

She watches him drop down in his usual spot on the sofa and opts to sit in the chair across from him.

“Well, uh, that girl last night?”

“Owlsley?”

“Actually her name was Olivia.”

“Olivia ?  Okay.”

“So she uh… shared an interesting concept with me.”

“Which was?”

“Something she called inherently repeatable data.”

“What does that mean?”

“I'm not sure but I think it means that once you’ve had enough bad shit happen to you it’s just going to keep happening.”

“Really? Did she tell you anything else?”

He stares at the ceiling for a minute. When he continues his voice is resigned with just a little edge of  angry. "Not really but  she basically had been screwed eight ways to Sunday and lost faith in the world. As she put it, she’d forgotten how much this place sucks….how it wrecks you.”

It’s the most he’s ever said. She can’t screw this up but not one second of her training makes her feel in the least bit prepared to do anything but. “It sounds like she really struck a chord in you?”

As soon as the words are out of her mouth she feels like an idiot.

“That she did.”

_Thank God he doesn't notice her stupidity  
_

“Are you saying you feel your life is like hers?”

“Oh yeah.”

“How so?”

He looks down at his feet; starts answering before he looks up. “Well let’s see- she lost the person she loved, she was played for a fool, she was betrayed. Yeah I guess she and I kind of match up.”

“I disagree.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

“I'm not just saying it Riggs. I really disagree. Would it be okay if I asked you a few questions?”

“Go ahead.”

“Have you ever murdered anyone by that I mean because you personally wanted to end someone’s life not because it was required by your job, but because you, only you, wanted that person dead?”

“I think you know the answer to that.”

“What is it? “

“No.”

“Okay. Next question. Have you ever represented yourself to be someone you weren’t-not as part of your job, but in your personal life?”

“So you read up on Olivia?”

“I did.”

“Look I get where you’re going but you’re wrong.”

“I might be. But I don’t think I am. Olivia was a very mixed up woman- she’d lost her rudder, she was adrift and very sick.”

“And I’m not?”

“No. You’re not”

“That’s your professional opinion?”

“It is.”

“Thank you for that but I’m not done yet.”

“You’re…not done?” Her stomach clenches.

“No. Did you know that I held Olivia while she died?”

The way Riggs’ eyes bore into her warns her he’s edging up close to something. Something important. She can’t make a misstep. She just can’t. “No,” she answers evenly. “I only heard that you were there when she died.”

“Well I wasn’t only there. I was sitting next to her; I held her and felt the life go out of her. And… and it took me back to the buddies I’ve held- you know, in the same situation.-it’s always the same.”

It takes all she has to keep her voice steady, “How so?”

“They’re scared. She was scared. All of them are when their time is close. They know it’s coming and they’re scared.” His voice cracks. “That’s why I wrapped my arm around her and held her tight. I didn’t really want to. I kept looking around for the damn ambulance-I hated being back there, holding someone while they were dying but I couldn’t let her go through that alone.”

“You did-“

He interrupts, “I pressed her eyes closed after it… happened. The same way I did for my buddies.”

A lone tear streaks down his cheek.

_Oh God_. Cahill’s throat aches but she refuses to let herself feel this- not yet. “You were there for her Riggs, in a way no one has ever been there for her. You made a difference in those last moments.”

It was meant it to be comforting but the way his face instantly contorts tells her otherwise.

_Oh God. What did I say wrong?_

“Like I wasn’t for her.”

“What?”

“Like I wasn’t there-like I wasn’t there for Miranda.” After he says his wife’s name, his shoulders start to quake.. The sob that overtakes him is wickedly powerful, stealing his breath and making him drop his head down into his hands. “I wasn’t ... there,” he sobs, “I wasn’t there.”

_Help me do this.  
_

Everything that been drummed into her head- lectures, readings, clinical work, all it feels suddenly and totally irrelevant.

She goes over to him, dropping down on the couch next to him, wrapping her arms around him. Saying nothing.

It was like holding a person who’d touched a live wire the way the sobs rack his body. She can feel him struggling to get his breath, struggling just to stay upright.

“It’s okay. Let it out.” She must say it ten times. “It’s okay. Let it out.”

Later when she replays the scene which she will do often, she’ll wonder where the words she said came from. At the time they simply rolled off her tongue.

_Thank you God._

She waits until he comes up for breath. Waits until he looks her in the eye to edge out onto ice that felt so very thin. “Horrible things happen in this world Riggs. I know you know that. I know you’ve seen it. Horrible things that no one can predict. That day? That day you went to work and Miranda went into labor? No way could you have changed what happened.”

He wipes the back of his hand under his nose, slowly shaking his head. Not buying it.

“I read the report. It happened in an instant. One minute she was probably cussing your son out for demanding to be introduced into this world so fast and the next-“ After swallowing hard, “And the next she was no longer part of this world.” Tears blur her vision. “That’s how it happened Riggs. It happened in a heartbeat.”

When he looks up his eyes still tell her no-she has it wrong.

“That’s how it was Riggs, “ she promises “There was no way you could have known it was going to happen. There was no way you could have raced to be there-the way you raced to your buddies- the way you held on to them. “

“I…. I just wish I was there.”

“I know you do. It’s the kind of man you are, the kind of husband you are.”

“But she…she died alone.”

“She did but she didn’t She was thinking about her boys- you and your son; no way for even a second did she ever think about dying. It happened the way a window shade suddenly flies up. It happened in an instant.”

 It’s not immediate but slowly his shoulders relax. She hands him a tissue from the box on the coffee table and gives him a hug. “I’m sorry for your pain Riggs. The pain has to be unimaginable. Please just try and make sure it’s about what you lost, not about anything you did or didn’t do.”

“I…I miss her so much.”

“I know you do. She was a beautiful woman and she loved you so much.”

He starts crying again. Not as violently as before but the pain is just as clear. Just as deep.

“It’s okay. You’re going to be okay”

She must have said it ten times, maybe more. She murmurs it softly, like a mother to a child. Not insisting , not demanding. Just reassuring him of a fact he needs to believe.

As they sat there, her arm over his shoulders while she hands him tissues it occurs to her she’dbeen wrong a few minutes ago. She wasn’t unprepared for this. She wasn’t poorly trained. She just needed to trust herself. To meld her training with her instincts.

“Hey… I’m…I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be Riggs. I’m honored you came to me. That you shared what you did.”

“What you dragged out me you mean?”

Before she can object he gives her a soft, exhausted laugh. “I’m just puling your leg doc.”

He stands up and she does the same.

“I… I guess I owe you a box of tissues.”

“They’re on me Riggs.”

“Okay . Well then, I guess I’ll be going.”

“Sounds good. Will I see you Wednesday-same time?”

“Oh yeah you’ll see me. LAPD in all it’s wisdom isn’t letting that stop anytime soon.”

“I’m glad they’re not. “

His face is tear streaked , his eyes are red and puffy but a soft smile teases at the corners of his eyes when he says,  “I guess I am too.”


End file.
